Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Lori Roast

Everyone‘s Favorite Person (sorry Randy)


Where do we begin? Our most memorable Lori moments always seem to revolve around the game of golf or being in an automobile with Lori driving. Please remember, it’s Lori’s world, and we should consider ourselves blessed to be part of it. Blessed by whom I don’t know. Anyways, here goes.

It was a heavily overcast sunless afternoon at Killarney Country Club in the year of Lori 1992, the only day in Ireland we experienced without torrential rains and cyclone force winds. Did I mention Lori hates Ireland? On the first hole she hit what appeared to be a very nice second shot , alas it was a wee bit too steamy, and it careened off the green, coming to rest in a swale a foot or two below the green. Lori’s caddie asked if she wanted a sand wedge, Lori responded, no thanks, I‘ve already eaten lunch. She could not understand why everyone, including caddies were on the ground laughing. Easily one of my top ten moments in the History of Golf.

For those not familiar with Pinehurst, it is a famous resort in North Carolina. There are eight courses and they are named No. 1,No. 2, No. 3 and so on. One night over dinner after a recent trip to Pinehurst, a low budget trip which did not please my wife, we were telling Randy and Lori that we had a great time there but we could not play No.2. Lori asked why we would want to play a course that only had 17 holes open.

We picked up Lori and Randy at the Glasgow airport in Scotland, Lori demanded, yes, demanded that she drive. This was the first time Lori had ever driven on the wrong side of the road. I had the pleasure of being her navigator up front while Randy and Martha cowered on the floor in the back seat. As you know the roads in Scotland are very narrow and can barely handle two cars side by side. So it becomes problematic when a large semi or tour bus comes hurtling around the bend or you have the terrifying experience of sharing a bridge with one these large vehicles. Lori handled these rather tense situations by putting a two hand death grip on the steering wheel, closing her eyes, and screaming either bus or truck at the top of her lungs. I trace my loss of hearing to this ear shattering event. Later that evening as the adrenaline rush one often experiences in times of shock or high stress wore off, Randy,Martha and I began to shake and convulse involuntarily. The three of us drank heavily. Lori joined us when she discovered the water coming from the bathroom faucet identical to that off Galveston.



The Roundabouts in Scotland also proved to be a problem for Lori. Once in one she could not get off. Each was it’s own special twilight zone, round and round we would go, as many as 3 loops, with Lori begging one of us to grab the steering wheel. Never let the occupant of the passenger seat steer a car in a roundabout.

Anyone who has experienced the utter horror of driving thru a parking lot at 70mph with Lori at the wheel knows why speed bumps were invented and will never curse their existence again, the exception being those mother frickers on Valley Manor. Unbeknownst to Lori, Martha clutches a rosary and carries a small vial of holy water whenever they enter a parking lot or school zone.